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Haynes:
Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with
hammer
anticlockwise.
Haynes: This
is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!
Haynes: This
is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!
Haynes: As described
in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start,
now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).
Haynes: Retain
tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
Haynes: Press
and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - thats the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers
to dig out the bayonet part.
Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your
forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because this can
not
be 'lightly' what you are doing now.
Haynes: Weekly
checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Haynes: Routine
maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Haynes: One spanner
rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to
botch
it up?
Haynes: Two spanner
rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two
is a
low, tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram
was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been
more
use to you).
Haynes: Three
spanner rating.
Translation: But Nova's are easy to maintain right... right? So
you
think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two
spanner job.
Haynes: Four
spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you
pleb!
Haynes: Five
spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!
Haynes: If not,
you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear
at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of
the
garage for whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under
your breath.
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you
are
looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep,
as
I thought, it's going to need a new one"!
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Haynes: Retaining
nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an
assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you
know.
Haynes: Turning
the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much
harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided,
you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark
plugs.
Haynes: Refitting
is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Prise
away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Using
a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable
drift!
Haynes: Everyday
toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone
Haynes: Apply
moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate
heat.
Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you
want
to do!
For Added Haynes
Fun:
Go to the first section, Safety First, and read the bit about
Hydrofluoric Acid - do you really want the advice of a book that
uses
this form of understatement???!!?
Now look at the
lovely colour section on body repairs - as you look at
these two pages say to yourself over and over until it sinks in
"mine
will never look like that..."
Flick to the
end and look at the colour glow plug pictures, how do
these compare to the glow plugs in your Mini? If you cannot locate
the
glow plugs in your Mini see the last translation on the list!
